Tag: pregnancy

7 Ways to Support a New Mother

Welcoming a new baby into the world is an exciting and thrilling moment for many. The Grandparents are ready to get their hands on their newest grandchild, friends are dying to hear every moment of your birth story, and almost everyone you know is asking to stop by the hospital or your home to pay you a visit. They promise it will be short, sometimes they come with gifts, but honestly you sometimes wish that you could just lock your door and hide away with your new addition for a while. Becoming a new mother is one of the best moments of your life, but it can also come with a flood of emotions, lots of tears, and little sleep.

When I became a mother for the first time I felt all of those exciting emotions. After 10 long months of growing this baby, it was finally time to meet him and hold him close to my heart. However, I also felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the amount of people inside of my hospital room, overwhelmed by the amounts of advice I was given, and tired…so very, very tired. 

Everyone wants to be helpful to a new mother right after she has given birth and has joined the new motherhood club. Here are a few ways that you can show support to your friend, daughter, or co-worker after she has welcomed her new bundle of joy.

1. Congratulate her! I absolutely loved receiving all of the Facebook messages/text messages from friends. I was unable to check my phone for a while, but once I got the hang of breastfeeding and both my husband and baby were sleeping quietly beside me – I loved scrolling through my phone and reading the messages of congratulations. I was so proud of my baby and I was honored that so many other people were just as happy and excited as I was. But I was very glad that I received those congratulations over text rather than had several people lined up at my door while I was recovering.

2. Prepare her home for her return. My mother and mother-in-law cleaned my house while I was in the hospital. They put clean sheets on the bed and filled the house with flowers. I was so relieved to come home to a clean house and laundry put away. I felt like I could rest and just enjoy spending time with my baby while I recovered.

3. Seasoned Mother’s – don’t be afraid to drop of a few items on the doorstep that you know that a new mother will need, but she doesn’t know yet that she will need. Numbing sprays, sitz baths, doughnut pillows, nipple creams. When I was a new mother I had no idea that I needed to stock up on these items before giving birth. Who knew that numbing spray would be such a gift from God after giving birth?

4. Keep your visits short and sweet. A new mother is often still trying to figure out a schedule for herself and new baby. Breastfeeding can be stressful in the beginning – I never stick around when it is time for baby to eat. I want my friend to feel as relaxed as possible during that time. I also want to give her the freedom and time to connect with her baby. A new mother is sleep deprived and it can be hard entertaining guests for very long. See her, love on her and that precious baby, and then let her take a nap!

5. It is hard for some mothers to ask for exactly what they need or want. Don’t be afraid to offer your services. Excuse her from the room to take a nap, hold the baby while she takes a shower, run a few errands for new mom. Let her know that it takes a village and during this time of recovery and healing – you are at her service!

6. Be her shoulder to cry on. Baby blues are real and very hard for a new mother to share with the people around her. She has waited so long for this baby and may feel guilty for crying tears of sadness and overwhelmed that she doesn’t fully understand. Make her feel comfortable, share your own experiences with baby blues. Validate her and let her know that she is not alone.

7. Be the gate keeper of your own tongue. During this time a new mother is often given a lot of tips, advice, and stories. Ask yourself if what you are sharing is positive and relevant advice to the situation. Maybe don’t tell her that she is never going to sleep again or that your baby was a perfect sleeper and never cried. Just encourage new momma and remind her that she is doing great.

It is important to acknowledge that everyone is different and what will work for one person will not always work for the next. I loved having friends bring me and meal and stop by to eat with me and hold my baby. I enjoyed the close friends who came to the hospital to visit me – but what I needed during that time may not be what another momma will need. Don’t be afraid to ask!  Love on that new momma and just be available to her. 

The Grieving Mother on Mother’s Day

I could dread this day like the plague. I could put on my Sunday best dress and smile like the perfect mother raising the perfect family. I could post a Bible verse and remember to thank God for my two toddlers. I could do a lot of things on this day, but I am choosing to allow myself to grieve.

On October 15, 2018 I miscarried our precious baby at eight weeks. I named him Haven and he was due to be born on Mother’s Day weekend. The little soul growing within me, the one that I wrapped my arms around at night, would never be in my arms earth side. Every daydream that I had about this little one would forever be just that – a dream.

A few months later on New Year’s Eve we were happy to find out that we were pregnant. Once again I was able to celebrate the life growing inside of me and I could not wait to share our rainbow baby with the world. Only, a few weeks later, I found out this baby had implanted in my Fallopian tube and I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. After an emergency surgery I would wake up and once again feel the heaviness of an empty womb.

The emotions were unnatural. When your baby is no longer growing inside of you that means they should be growing outside of you. They should be healthy. They should be thriving. They should be here in my arms – but for me, it just meant it was the end. Two lives that I loved, two lives that I created, two lives that were so uniquely a part of me were now gone.

So on this day I will grieve because it is okay to grieve. I will remember the two babies that never made it in my arms. I will celebrate their precious lives, even though they were all too short. I will hold my two miracle babies close and take in every moment with them. I will cry into my husband’s shoulder. I will laugh with family. But I will allow myself this time on this day and know that others will understand my sadness.

This Mother’s Day will look a little different this year, but I am so proud of the mother that I have become.

I have become a better mother because I am proudly flawed.

I have become a better mother because I am broken, but I am healing.

I have become a better mother because I now love like there is no tomorrow.

I have become a better mother because I no longer care about the perfect image.

I am a better mother because I am celebrated daily by my loving husband and children.

I am a better mother because I know how to not be okay.

I am a better mother because I trust in the promise of life after death.

I am a better mother because of the three I never held.

This Mother’s Day will hold memories of loss from this past year. It is also the first Mother’s Day in two years that we will not be participating in the baby dedication at our church. Instead – we will be remembering our children in a new way. We are going to plant a tree for the the ones we lost: Grace and Haven – surrounded by the people who love them. You are still so loved. I can picture them sitting in the arms of the Lord and my daddy in heaven. I cannot love them here, but I know they will be waiting for me in heaven.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mommies who will be mourning the babies they never got to hold. Celebrate the beautiful lives that you created and that are celebrating you from afar. Allow yourself to grieve, but allow yourself to be celebrated.

May you all be honored as a Mother on this Mother’s Day.

Check On Your Friends

Check on your friends who just had a new baby
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Check on your friends who are entering into college
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Check on your friends who struggle with mental illness
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Check on your friends who are working longer hours at work
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Check on your friends who smile
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Check on your friends who have a lot on their plate
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Check on your friends who you haven’t spoken to in a while
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Check on your friends going through a break-up
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Check on your friends who lost a loved on
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Check on your friends-period.
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Send a meal over, send a quick text, lend a helping hand, offer a word of encouragement, give your time and attention-But check on each other. We need each other.

Moms Don’t Get a Break

Moms don’t get a break.

It’s nap time and my baby should be sleeping. I walk into her room to calm her and give her the pacis that she has thrown across the room and, of course.  She’s pooped.

Moms don’t get a break.

It is a beautiful day and we’re playing at the park. I breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery, welcoming the sunshine. But my son has fallen off something and scraped his knee, so I’m off to kiss boo boos. 

Moms don’t get a break.

My one year old is cutting four teeth at the same time. We’re out of gripe water, essential oils, and teething toys… not that they worked anyway.

Moms don’t get a break.

After a long day the babies are fed, bathed, and safely tucked into bed. I enter the living room with my glass of wine and I see toys—all of them—still scattered throughout the house. I have options though: leave them where they lie (but my OCD will simply not allow that… next!), get daddy to do it, or pick them up myself.  I sigh as I set down the glass of wine.

Moms don’t get a break.

It’s 8am and the babies are ready to start the day. I roll over to a 100 degree headache and body aches.  The cold that I tried so hard to avoid with my Lysol wipes and constant thieves essential oils has finally caught up to me. 

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Moms don’t get a break.

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It is day five for this unwashed hair. I try for a quick shower, military style, but after only a moment of peace I see tiny toes interrupting my solitude. I forgot to lock the door.

Moms don’t get a break.

Why does the majority of every meal end up under the table?

Moms don’t get a break.

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I am bleeding and just found out we are having a miscarriage-our third one in three months. I still have two toddlers who need me to be mentally and physically present.

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Moms don’t get a break. 

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It’s date night in. The roast is perfect, the movie has started—I hear a stir and a scream. The oldest has had a nightmare and insists on joining in on mommy-daddy time.

Parents don’t get a break. 

I didn’t know this was what I was signing up for. No matter how many parenting books you read, google searches you make, or people you seek advice from, nothing can ever fully prepare you for the journey, responsibility, and commitment of being a parent. It’s very much a day to day learning process. I am tired, I am dirty, I am never untouched.

Yet, this is the most out-of-body, exhilarating, amazing life to live. I choose this daily. I commit to this responsibility daily. This is parenting. It is a daily choice to evolve, improve, and sacrifice of one’s own desires for what is best for my off spring. 

I could choose to give up, I could choose to let this rip away the woman I once was. Instead I grow as a person, my heart has grown ten-fold. I would not be who I am without my babies.

I do not get a break, but that is my choice. A choice that I am happily committed to making for the rest of my life.

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A letter to my friends having babies-you are not my trigger

A letter to my friends having babies—you are not my trigger.

The past six months have been challenging for my family. We live in beautiful, but sometimes overwhelming, chaos. Our two year old is strong willed and, when left unattended for a moment, he has figured out how to scale the walls and swing from the ceiling fan. Okay, so maybe that was a bit dramatic. More like shoving plastic Christmas berries up his nose, but you get the picture. Close behind him is our beautiful yet sassy one year old redhead. And let me tell you, redheads do indeed have an attitude to be feared. 

Along with our two children we have three babies who we have lost. Two miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy within six months. Grieving is a process, but as a mother that process must often be put on hold, shelved for a later time. Thankfully I have an amazing support system who has been on this journey with me. 

This is baby season for many in my group of friends. A lot of them are welcoming their first child while others are adding to their tribe. One of my good friends is having her first baby the same month that I would have welcomed Haven, the first baby that I lost. Maybe this should be hard and I should be retreating.  Maybe I should be putting blinders on and just not participating in this celebration of babies. 

But I am here to say to you, dear friends—you are not my trigger.

We all grieve differently and we all have different needs through painful seasons, but I have found my safe Haven celebrating in this season with you. 

I absolutely love attending your baby showers.

I enjoy purchasing those tiny little newborn clothes for your newest addition.

I feel blessed to be able to sit on the couch with you and cry as you begin your journey with your newborn while also navigating postpartum.

I am overjoyed to bring your family a meal.

I am honored to celebrate with you. 

Dear friends, let me reassure you once again, you are not my trigger.

I am in the trenches of motherhood with you. When I welcomed my babies into this world you were on my doorstep with a meal, encouraging me with a sweet texts as I struggled through sleep deprivation.

Holding my baby so I could eat a quick meal.

Allowing me to cry tears of frustration during breastfeeding days (and long nights).

You reminded me that I was a good mother even when my toddler was throwing yet another major tantrum. 

Through each season you were there for me. Through infancy, toddler tantrums, and pregnancy loss, you were there.

I am honored and comforted to be walking with you into your new season of life. I am here with the numbing spray, bottle of wine, and open arms to help you along the way. 

Dear friends having children—you are not my trigger. You are a source of joy and celebration, of blessings. Of hope.

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Let Them Be Dirty

Let them be dirty

Easier said that done for Mother’s like me. I like a tidy home, clean hands, and no slime in my child’s hair. When I allow activities that come with a mess a try my best to keep it contained. But, I usually end up missing out on the fun or ruining the fun for my kids. So I vowed to let them be dirty.

We boil spaghetti noodles and put them in a baby pool. My children love the squishy textures.

We make ice creams cones and I allow them to drip all over the place…outside (Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all).

We make mud pies in the yard with the kitchen utensils.

After a rainy day I allow my son to go running through puddles of mud. Clothes can be washed and shoes can be replaced. His joy in those small moments have become more to me than clean finger nails.

I have become a fan of the five second rule.

Did my son just eat dirt? I guess what doesn’t kill you…

My way of living has changed since having children.

Certain home decor has been put into storage and toys have taken their place.

My signature look of dresses and heels have been downgraded to…well..whatever is clean (I need to schedule a laundry day).

Makeup items are purchased once a year opposed to monthly.

My new life required me to evolve with it. At first I tried to hang on to my old self. I always said I wouldn’t allow certain things with kids, but I was wrong. In order to truly enjoy them I had to let them enjoy life. Embrace the mess, the chaos, the unpredictability.

I had to make a few changes, a few downgrades-but the laughter and memories that took the place is true joy.

Embrace those dirty finger nails and the handprints on the front door. They have become my favorite part of my home.

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There is No Room for Shame

Healing begins here. I often forget that minor but very important detail. The moments that I feel like hiding away, feeling irritated and overwhelmed with life-this is where I should always be.

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Wednesday I started bleeding for no reason. Having previous miscarriages this triggered something in me. I felt tears starting to burn in my eyes and a vast amount of different emotions flooding my body. I did not completely understand the emotions that I was feeling. It was just irregular bleeding-that was all. I talked myself into believing this was just one of those trigger moments. Irregular bleeding that I was not expecting was just reminding me of my miscarriages, the two babies that I lost. I recognized my fears and I prayed that God would give me grace as I continue to heal from this past year.

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I went about my day but asked my husband to purchase a pregnancy test on his way home. I thought the visual of a negative pregnancy test would help me process through this trigger moment. I wanted to prove to myself that nothing bad was happening.

Again, this was just a moment that was triggering emotions from my past miscarriages. That evening I enjoyed the warm sun and ice cream with my family. During those tough moments that is where I feel most at home-with them. 

Through-out the night the bleeding continued and became more aggressive. I pulled out the pregnancy test and to my surprise it was a positive test. I was experiencing a early miscarriage. This pregnancy was ending before I even knew that it began. For a moment I shed a few tears, for a moment I panicked because of my experience with an ectopic pregnancy, and then the shame set in.

I felt embarrassed, obnoxious, stupid. How many miscarriages can one women have before people just grow tired of you? I have control over this situation. It clearly is not working for me, so we should just stop trying, stop hurting ourselves. 

That same day-Hilaria Baldwin went public about her own fear that she was having a miscarriage on her public page. She received much support but also much negativity. She was seen as someone that just wanted attention, someone who should have kept her miscarriage to herself until it was over. Someone made the comment that she already had children so her post was offensive. Many comments were made that I will not quote. 

It showed me how lonely this place is. How could someone believe speaking about your miscarriage publicly is for attention? How could someone make a comment to a mother losing her baby that was nothing but support? That is all we want, support. We want to feel less alone in this place that feels so dark. 

Reading those comments only made my own fears come alive in my mind. Maybe they were not just my own fears but how people would actually see me. After all, that is how they are seeing her. 

This place is lonely. Knowing your body is failing you, feeling like you are failing your family, experiencing another loss, feeling shame and embarrassment–no matter how strong of a woman you are this is a hard place. I know truth. I know this is not my fault. But I am still human and my emotions are running wild and I am unable to real them in. 

In this moment I am remembering that The Lord knows my heart and understands my emotions. He understands loss, He understands what it feels like to have others speak things about you that are untrue, He understands grief, He understands fear. He is the ultimate safe place.

During such a vulnerable time-there is no room for shame. There is no room for judgment. There is no room for negativity. There is no room for me to be placing those burdens on my own shoulders.

It is in your pain that God is closest to you, whether you realize it or not. The Bible says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

No matter what you are suffering through-He is near. His plan is good, His grace is sufficient, His words are truth, His love is greater than anything of this world, He is bigger than every circumstance. I will continue to repeat..

Even now-It is well with my soul.

Thursday night I chose to go on a date with my husband and a few friends. I chose to not speak about miscarriage. I needed to just be with people. They made me laugh, they reminded me that I can still feel human walking through this. They reminded me that I have loving friendships. They reminded me that I was not alone. They reminded me that, maybe, there’s nothing that a little Mexican food and margaritas can’t fix. They did this all without knowing. I am so grateful for the friends who love me.

This season is becoming harder than I ever imagined it could be, but I will continue to mourn my babies. I do not want to become desensitized to this loss just because it has happened so often.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

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They Love Us Anyways

Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on you being little. I spend my days chasing after big brother, washing a load of laundry, and trying to make sure that everyone stays alive. I’m so thankful that you love me anyways.

You did not get the “first baby” moments-but you love me anyways

Instead of dressing up in mommy and me matching outfits everyday you have had to settle for comfy clothes-but you love me anyways

I still have not gotten your birth picture on the wall beside brothers-but you love me anyways

The used sippy cups have become yours, the infant toys did not come to you brand new and when you were born you had to work yourself into our routine-but you love us anyways.

Life is different when you have a second child. Less time, more chaos and everything becomes shared. We are not a picture book family. My home is a mess, my hair hasn’t been washed in a week and my children are still in pajamas-but that’s okay. They still love me anyways.

Enjoy the moments you have and don’t worry about the moments that you think you need to have. They will always love you anyways.

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